Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
