You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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