Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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