I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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