Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
