I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize