I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
