It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
two words: eviction party
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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