I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
