and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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