I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
