i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
