just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
