If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
