there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
