cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
