i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
