Got a toothbrush?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
