now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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