Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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