On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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