Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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