you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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