i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
