I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
