So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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