I seem to have left my pride at pride
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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