Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
