If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
