if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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