I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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