I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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