it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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