I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
