I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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