apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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