bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
