my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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