im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
