One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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