I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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