She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
