So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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