while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
