I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
