Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
