3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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