Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
