No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
