The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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