is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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