He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
