I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize