My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
