Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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