get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
