a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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