I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
