seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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