I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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