my vag is so smooth its legendary
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
