Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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