When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
